Petting the Doggie

A true story.. again !


Uncle... uncle... can I pet your Doggie ?... does she bite ? .. she looks so cute !


Sure kiddo ... She bites .. but you can pet her nevertheless........that is depending on how much you want to use that hand afterwards for anything else in life !


:-)

Walk On By

I walk to relieve the pain,........... I walk to be found
I walk to clear my head,............. and I walk to be profound

I walk to find myself, I walk to find help
I walk to find the innocence I once had,......I walk to find my lost soul

I walk to know how I feel.
But I am lost and find nothing

I do not get what I reach for, what I scream for


So here I am wanting more,
Reaching, hoping, tormenting, loosing &........ Lost,

FIND ME !

A rendezvous of grim hope between heaven and earth

Profound meanings of words and thoughts fly at break neck speeds and leave you standard when you hear your own heart beating faster than a derailed locomotive.

"Hi, How are you ? are you doing OK? "

The word "OK" can have many spheres of meanings. But in all retrospects of thoughts.. Yes.. I am doing perfectly "OK".

But, In a concept of a revolving world, where do we as humans stand when the third dimension of our own sanity takes a nose dive.

"I just remembered you.. etc etc...."

Oh, sure.. now only you remember me !!

Women ! ... I hate them sometimes !

Performance

I thought I should write about something extracting my self from the the norm. A journal of a sort about the weekend. The weekend of cource started as it should be. Saturday being a Poya Day, gave me an extra day to catch up on some sleep and be a lazy ass fagot which I always long for. (slept in my house after a long time)

I woke up the sounds of my maid cursing my Kittens. :-) .. what a lovely way to be woken up I thought. Turned around.. the bed was empty...and I sighed in depression of not seeing the slumber hit face of my GF as I used to see for the last 3 years. But nevertheless ..... nothing is gonna keep me down on this Bright sunny day !

Woke up, got a piping hot tea..kindly delivered by my (still) cursing maid. (later found that she was cursing the kittens cause they always takes the liberty in hiding in corners and pouncing at her feet). With the steaming tea on my hand and still half closed eyes... searched through the twisted bed sheets for the remote.

"Click"..."click".... FUUUCK !!!! I have switched off the TV last night than putting it into sleep. Too damn lazy to get up and turn in on..Fuck it.. reached over to the right had side bedstand and switched on my iPod which is connected to some sleek neat set of ipod dock I bought last week. .. "Strange Magic - Darren Hayes...." the music filled my room.. and I was in a transcendental meditation half way between sleep and awake.

You're sailing softly through the sun
In a broken stone age dawn.
You fly so high.
I get a Straaaaaaaange Magic !!!..../////
Got a Straaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaange magic.


You're walking meadows in my mind,
Making waves across my time,
oh.. no... oh... nooo
Oh, I'm never gonna be the same again,
Now I've seen the way it's got to end,
Sweet dream, sweet dream.
I get a Straaaaaaaange Magic !!!..../////
oh.. it's just LOVE
Got a Straaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaange magic.

I love that song.. I can listen to it 24x7 if I want too and still won't get bored. The melody and the enchanting rhythm is just what the doctor ordered to kick start your morning.

However, it got me thinking of many things.. especially about music. I grew up in a very stern parental background but I have been to and seen some of the extra ordinary music scenes one can ever think of. I have seen the first nervous performance on "kasun Kalhara", I have witnessed then unknown but the first superb performance of "Stigmata". I have gone around the world for work and made a point to attend the music scene in all of the countries I have been to. From 50 cent, Loyd Banks, Craig David, Rolling Stones, Madona to Linkin park, Lenny Kravitz, Aerosmith concernts I had the luck to grace.

And SLEPT ! .:-) .. as with all concerts.. they happen in the night and end around early morning. I wake up in the morning still with the beats and the thrill resonating in my mind.. I always think "what Great performance that was" and "how lucky was for me to be there to witness it" evethough I very well know that I won't ever see them live again or ever get a chance to stand and feel one of their live performances. But I am always grateful for just the sheer luck of been there to receive it.

Enlightenment !!

I turned around and saw the empty part of my bed again.

How LUCKY I was to have had her ! .. even for a short while in my life. How powerful her performance was in my life ! What a RUSH !! .. what a RUSH I get when I think about her ! Amazing human being she was. I know I may never see her again. I know I may never be with her again !

But I was such a lucky bastard to had her the time I had her !

Thanks !

Yours eyes are still unforgettable !

Ladies and Gentlemen..... let me officially announce you that I have seen the "other" side of grief and I am now out of the depth of depression I was in. :-)

Nice feeling to have !... if I want to dedicate a song to her "right now" I would choose a song from the same album of an OST from Ella Enchanted.....

"Ann Hathaway - YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE DANCING !!"

One look I was shook
And that's all it took
And now I'm open
As I walk across the room
I saw you scoping
Now I'm hoping
To get you on the dance floor
Come on ?sava?
Mon cheri amour
Let's be blunt
It's you I adore
Your mind, your body, your soul
My heart is yours
Now let's keep it real ma
You're the definition of hot appeal
From the top to the bottom
The bottom to the top
Baby you're hot hot
Come on, let's keep on dancing

And if you'll let me stay we'll dance our nights away
You make me feel like dancing
I'm gonna dance the night away
You make me feel like dancing
I'm gonna dance the night away
You make me feel like dancing
I'm gonna dance the night away
You make me feel like dancing

Wild Thoughts

The thoughts of what I am going to write down here was screaming through my mind like a de-railed train

Violent, destructive, deadly yet all seems so much in slow motion. I am feeling dizzy, I am not thinking straight. I feel like I have gulped down a handful of pills and flying a mile high. The total equilibrium of my sanity seems nothing but in utter chaos.

Where I am, where am I going.... where did I come from.. all seems nothing but hallucination. But then again, it's all seems a strange thought when you sit back and think about it.. one by one......one by one.....

Am I in dire love or deadly pain ?., or is it just a passing attraction which causes all these turmoils to bubble inside of me. In part, my self esteem and pride is taking a nose dive..... after all these years of treading this earth undaunted, how come one woman made me so unstable?

Or the point I am missing all this time is... did I find a Human being to talk too....rather than the stone walls I have made a close courtship of feelings all this time.?

Of all this time.. I only got one word that echoes throughout day and night... "Let time Solve things" ... for which I am waiting with one line circling through my mind .... " So close...yet So far"

And I find my self everyday dialing an international number.........then disconnecting.... and thinking of all the ways I can make my fingers numb !!!!!

and my mind NUMB as well.....if I can.... I wish I can...

Chapters

My head hurts, and it's not even the head that I smashed on the bed post this morning, while trying to beat my self up to my feet today morning. They always did say that love hurts.

Behind my pretty stupid looking smile, there's a thick film coating my teeth; and I can't help but run my tongue over it to see if I still have my taste buds in place. I’m not sure if it does or not, ‘cause my taste buds become extinct after a sour feeling of my self ran across me like something I have never felt in my life. Slurred words and tired eyed expressions are all that is left of me.

And I'm sure that you think it’s not your fault. It's never your fault. Nothings ever your fault. It's just me !! Stupid me going on dreaming of a better day all the while knowing I am running behind a mirage.

But when I could feel my heart beating inside my stomach, and my tongue became hot and bitter as my temples were pulsating; I clenched my teeth and thought of you.

But that's ok.. 4 days ago...in the afternoon...... I had to crawl across my living room floor because my heart broke into 317 minuscule pieces. I picked up as many pieces as possible and glued them back together with my hot glue gun, but not every piece was found; so I guess my heart will never be complete again.